The Wit Collection: Art History Jokes 4

“I have nothing to declare but my jokes!” (Dr Mark Stocker, shortly before being beaten up by customs officials)

In this latest episode, before you crack(er) up, I may need to provide a few hints to my many fans. One of the jokes will particularly amuse Elvis fans. Len Lye remains a bit of a cult figure but was an extraordinary film and kinetic sculpture maker – a bit of a pseud, maybe. The Prince Albert one is a variant on quite a famous joke, so bear with me there. Another avails itself of Cockney rhyming slang, and once they comprehend it, a few chaste maidens may blush…

Mrs. Baring is somewhat exasperated with Dr. Stocker’s jokes. [The Honourable Mrs Cecil Baring, by Ambrose McEvoy, painted in 1916].

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What was Oliver Cromwell’s insouciant reaction to Puritan iconoclasm in one of Britain’s most beautiful cathedrals?
“Well, well, Wells!“

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What was the Herts Advertiser’s response to Edmund Beckett (Lord Grimthorpe)’s drastic Gothic Revival restoration of St Albans Abbey?
“Murder in the Cathedral.”

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Caption for Norman Rockwell’s Girl with a Black Eye:
Art history student who was involved in a heated argument about the Assisi problem and knows she’s right.

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A famous but sensitive Trecento painter had a studio accident, resulting in an altarpiece panel being irreparably ruined.
His sweet little daughter comforted him:
“You may have lost your tempera but don’t cry, Daddi!”

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Alternative title to Herbert Draper’s Ulysses and the Sirens:
Allegory of the patriarchy and the women’s art movement.

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What did Roger Fry call his watch repair business?
The Omega Workshops.

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How did the Victorian painter/engraver W.P. Frith describe the threatening new medium?’
“Foe to graphic art!” (not original)

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What was the punch-line of a famous royal photographer?
Snowdon, never Beaton.

Dick Frizzell, Amazing Grace, 2017.

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What was the nickname of a much-loved Victorian woman photographer?
Julia Margaret Camera.

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When an eminent Marxist art historian, Professor Joe N. Lye (cousin of Len) was asked about the influence of Jacques-Louis David on art history, he replied: “It’s too early to tell.”

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A reactionary critical response to a realist masterpiece by Honoré Daumier: “Third-class, untrained painter, doesn’t know his station!”

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What did the thief of Goya’s portrait of the Duke of Wellington brilliantly succeed in conveying?
The significance of the negative space in art.

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Prince Albert is re-landscaping Buckingham Palace, and it being the late 1840s, is keen to give work to the distressed Irish. Through his good friend Lord Kilburn he has found an admirable landscape architect, Seamus O’Connor. When the two meet, landscaping is in full flight and Seamus fulsomely sings his men’s praises…

‘”’ve got all the best Irish diggers, Sir – green side up, Paddy! All the best Irish shrubs and seedlings – green side up, Paddy! And my men will do you most beautiful Irish herbaceous borders, Sir – green…!”

“Sehr gut, Herr O’Connor, but why you ask the Paddy for the green side up?”

“Ah, Sir, he’s just laying down the lawn!”

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I was shocked to see a conservator cleaning a dark old baroque painting with a toothbrush. I asked her “What’s the problem?”
She replied: “Mola decay!”

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What did the art historian say when he was told he’d won the
Lotto?
“Terrific! Is it an Annunciation?”

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After the triumphant Gothic rebuild of St Denis, the holy anthem played to serenade the great Abbot was quite pointed:
Suger, Suger (by the Archies).

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What did Rossetti say when his fellow Pre-Raphaelite annoyed him?
“You stupid Holman Hunt!”

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Who was the eminent, high camp 18th century art connoisseur who uncannily anticipated Pop Art?
Sir Horace Warhol.

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What did the mugger say to James Tissot?
“Watch out!”

The image shows, Austin Osman Spare and Witch, by Austin Osman Spare, painted in 1947.

The Wit Collection: Art History Jokes 3

In case you afeared that this month would pass witless, Dr. Mark Stocker offers these jocular japes that will leave you simpering behind your mask.

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Who was the sculptor whose life-cast toppled over?
Sir Antony Gormless.

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What was William Morris’s response to Art Nouveau?
What Liberty!

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If Hogarth were alive today, what would his patriotic masterpiece depict?
O the Chicken Tikka Masala of Old England.

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How did a Marxist critic describe a sculpture of a small spider?
Very petit Bourgeois!

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When he was seated on his splendid new throne, the Emperor Charlemagne was asked by a thoughtful cleric if it was comfortable.
“No, terrible!” he replied, “Aix all over!”

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If a Golden Age Dutch artist had ever turned his hand to watercolour, critics would surely admire “de wet-on-wet of de Wet.”

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And Now For Something Completely Different… Yes, Mother-in-law Jokes!

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The wife: “Mother’s coming to stay next week; she’ll be sleeping upstairs.”
Me: “Thank god we haven’t fixed that hole in the roof!”

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The wife: “It’s Mother’s birthday very soon, she’ll want to dine out!”
Me: “I’ll book her a table for one at McDonalds when they have the next free pensioners’ night!”

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The mother-in-law and me gave each other books for Christmas. I gave her two crime novels, Strong Poison and The Beast Must Die. To her credit, and she’s a bit of an intellectual, like, she gave me Dostoevsky’s The Idiot.

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For my mother-in-law’s birthday, I gave her a framed reproduction of a fabulous Paulus Potter, so she can see herself in it.

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For Christmas, she wanted something with cheery Santa red, so she got a nice reproduction of Francis Bacon’s Three Studies for Figures at the Base of a Crucifixion.

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And Moving Right Along…

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A disturbed gentleman, a certain Mr Stocker, visits the trick cyclist. He complains:
“Doctor, people say I think I’m an animal – a dog to be precise. It’s true that I can’t stand that new postman.”
“They no doubt think you’re barking mad. But we take this condition more seriously in the profession, Mr Stocker, and let me reassure you that it is amenable to treatment. Please sit yourself on the couch.”
“I’m sorry, Doctor, but I’m not allowed on the couch.” [Thank you, Tommy Cooper!]

Tommy Cooper at Madame Tussauds.

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Art world figures and their favourite diners:
The great Baroque exponent: Bernini Inn.
The great Renaissance medallist: Pizzanello Hut.
The great Marxist critic: Berger King.

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Charlotte Corday was a frugal soul. What was on the other side of the note to Marat that the public never see?
Apple [get it?], snails, frogs’ legs, 1 carton plonk, oven ready French fries, 1 kilo finely guillotined mince.

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An optimist on board the Raft of the Medusa chirps:
‘Hey guys, thank god we’re not on a cruise ship in 2020!’

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Dr Stocker was lecturing on Cézanne in Nelson, New Zealand: “You can see in these still life paintings how gravely he conveyed the quintessence of apples, the appleness of apples, as it were…”
Nelson orchardist: “Yeah right. Are they Granny Smiths or Coxes, mate?”

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What was the response of Sir Alfred Munnings to the nomination of Henry Moore to the Royal Academy?
Na-aa-ay! (in a hoarse voice).

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How could you best describe the influence of Moore and Hepworth on British sculpture?
Holesome.

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Who were William Morris’s greatest disciples?
C.R. Ashbee, Ernest Gimson, C.F.A. Voysey and Laura Ashley.
[That’s not a joke, it’s true!]

The image shows Two Women at a Window, by Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, painted ca. 1665-1670.

Muddled Metaphors

A brief medley of mixed metaphors, all rather fun to untangle, or better yet – visualize!

“It would open up a can of worms and a legal minefield about freedom, religion and equalities legislation… It may open up old wounds and put people into the trenches; no one wants that.” David Burrowes, Conservative MP, on gay marriage, 17 January 2012.

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“Labour are fighting like rats in a barrel.” Charlie Elphicke, Conservative MP, 16 February 2014.

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“I don’t like it. When you open that Pandora’s box, you will find it full of Trojan horses.” Ernest Bevin, Labour Foreign Secretary, on the idea of a Council of Europe, 1948.

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“I’m kickstarting a drive to get employee ownership into the bloodstream.” Nick Clegg, 17 January 2012.

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“Far-right vacuum could trigger ‘lone-wolf’ attacks.” Independent headline, 29 December 2012.

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“They’ve put all their eggs in one basket and it’s misfired.” Paul Merson, Sky football pundit, of West Ham’s purchase of Andy Carroll. From Vincent Clark.

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“Out of the hat on Monday night the Home Secretary produced the rabbit, the temporary provisions Bill, as her fig leaf to cover her major U-turn.” Simon Hughes, Lib Dem MP, 2008.

These are courtesy of the Independent.

The image shows Trial & Error, Meredith Frampton, painted in 1939.

The Wit Collection: Art History Jokes 2

Dr. Mark Stocker continues his merriment this month, with just a few more arty(?), artsy(?) jokes. Here he is, then, thrumming his wit for Thalia…

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What was Angelica Kauffmann’s advertising slogan?… Put the Madam into Adam!

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Which fin-de-siècle German artist is especially admired for his tenacity?… Max Klinger.

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What is the name of the lovely new bathroom in Wardour Castle designed by the son of Sir Terence Conran?… Jasper’s John.

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What did the unemployed 19th century French art historian say when she landed a job at the zoo?… “Je suis pleine de Bonheur!”

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Scene: The pearly gates of heaven…
The late David Watkin: You’re a very fetching guardian angel, but I have to tell you I observe a solecism in that portico.
Angel: Sorry Dave, our quota of architectural historians of the classical tradition is full. On yer bike!

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Exhibition installer: I’m looking for a painter who will enhance the red tints of this wall.
Curator: Use Henner!

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A well-known and obliging late Victorian architect would tell his clients:
“Shaw will do! But by George it won’t be bad. You could always go to the Webb site, and if you need an indoor pool, there’s obviously Waterhouse!”

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What was John Bratby’s response to the impact of Abstract
Expressionism?… A sinking feeling.

Dr. Stocker describes this painting by John Bratby as “iconic” which makes us at The Postil slightly worried about his spiritual beliefs.

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What is the name of the latest book on Bratby and the Kitchen Sinkers?…
Life is a Lavatory, Old Chum.

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John Bratby was a hugely popular artist throughout the UK, whose fame and acclaim stretched from Bogside, Londonderry to Looe, Cornwall.

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In order to laugh even more uproariously at Dr Stocker’s jokes about John Bratby, find out more about this fascinating artist courtesy of the Daily Mail.

Dr Mark Stocker is a former academic and art curator who lives in New Zealand. Besides his jokes, he has 230 marginally more serious publications, many of which are on Victorian public monuments, numismatics and New Zealand art. His book When Britain Went Decimal: The Coinage of 1971 will be published by the Royal Mint in 2021.

The image shows La Clairvoyance, by René Magritte, painted in 1936.

The Wit Collection: Art History Jokes 1

Few academics write jokes about their discipline; their publication is not perhaps a certain pathway to tenure or promotion. It may even be worse than coming out as a conservative.

Art historian Dr. Mark Stocker decided, however, that enough was enough. He has written over 200 jokes and sought to publish them. After numerous rebuffs from newspapers, professional journals and even blogs, he has at last found a saviour in the Postil Magazine.

As too many jokes may be injurious to the health, he proposes drip-feeding five a month over the next few months – or if necessary years, as more may well be written. Should any readers outside the discipline find the jokes a touch esoteric, Dr Stocker is willing to explain them – with a smile on his face. He may be contacted through this magazine.

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Who is the god-awful, deadly French theorist that hip art historians so liked to quote, c. 1980? … Bourdieu.

Which resort did an eminent, quirky Bauhaus painter like to go to for his holidays? …Kleethorpes.

Who was the boss of the aforementioned Bauhaus painter who got into trouble for inappropriate behaviour? … Walter Gropius.

What was Gertrude’s favourite drink in Parisian cafes, c. 1912? … Steinlager.

A philosophically contorted art historian was asked to give a lecture on Belgian Symbolist sculpture. He commenced his lecture thus: ‘What do I mean by Minne?’

Matty taking Dr. Stocker out for a stroll at their friend Jane’s estate, in Cust, New Zealand

Dr Mark Stocker is a former academic and art curator who lives in New Zealand. Besides his jokes, he has 230 marginally more serious publications, many of which are on Victorian public monuments, numismatics and New Zealand art. His book When Britain Went Decimal: The Coinage of 1971 will be published by the Royal Mint in 2021.

The image shows, “Youth Making A Face” by Adriaen Brouwer, painted ca. 1632–1635.